Cellular Hell

Sidd Finch
Tuesday, March 16, 2004

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Operators Are Standing By

With increased competition in the wireless industry the only thing that hasn't improved is the service. Well, actually the service and the price. And the complexity of the rate plans. So here's our take on the new typical wireless rate plans.

Cellular Hell: New Talk-2-Much Rate Plan
Pay No Fees Until We Say So

Cellular Hell is pleased to announce the New Talk-2-Much Program with great savings. The more you talk, the more you pay and the more we save on customer acquisition costs. Subscribers to the Cellular Hell LocoTalk 100 program can upgrade at any time by paying us an additional one time fee of $79.95 plus applicable tax, title and dealer fees.

Features include:

-Free Phone  Motorola TA 312/PT RusskyPhone 32 oz portable
-Free Local Calls  Limit: 2 mile radius
-Free Long Distance Charges  No extra charge for extra charges
-Free Technical Support  Toll fees may apply
-24 Hour Service  That's how long you'll wait on hold 
-Free Voice Mail  Whenever you call Support
-Free Auto-Call Dropping  Your friends will keep calling back
-Free Iridium Satelite  Monthly service fee of $1,750,000
 2-Way Calling  Available in all states
 3-Way Calling  Not available in all states
 4-Way Calling  Not available in any states
 5-Way Calling  Not even technically possible

Plus our gift to you: A Free Bill every month!

One Size Fits Y'all

Pricing information is based upon the state, area code or IQ score. Ranges of prices are offered for some products, and additional charges may apply depending on how much money is available in the petty cash. Pricing does not include wireless connection fees, local calls, non-toll calls, toll calls, express toll-calls, toll-house cookies, long distance extortion and preferred customer surcharge. In the event of a discrepancy between the information contained here and the applicable tariff, the tariff terms shall prevail, whatever that means. Dealer participation may vary. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Penalty for early cancelation. Children no longer accepted as collateral. Late model cars will be considered.

There is a monthly charge of $6.66 for dial-tone service, plus the cost of your calls plus the cost of any time we call you. Calls in your Home Region (Downstate) and Column A (Upstate) are billed at $1.106 per call (Prostate). In Upstate, calls to Columns B, C, and D are charged at a per-minute rate based on the urgency of the call. In Downstate, calls to columns C and D are billed randomly, whether you make calls or not. Chose one from Column A and two from Column B. Seafood and shrimp dishes add additional $1.25.

Airtime incurred in the previous month may be included in current monthly bill and also in next month's bill. Airtime billed in one-minute increments, rounded up to the nearest hour. Unused package minutes will expire each month but may be redeemed for free car wash in AZ, NM, NV. A connection charge of $3.25 per month will apply during any month in which landline terminated calls are originated from wireless phone, except where prohibited by Federal racketeering laws.

Long Distance Charges May Apply

Nationwide long distance at no additional charge applies to calls originating from your Home area for eligible Cellular Hell Plans no longer available in your region, regional calling area for Cellular LocoTalk Plans or within the Confederate States for Cellular Hell Talk-2-Much Plans to anywhere in the U.S. still using the metric system; airtime not included. Billing for calls made or received outside of our CA/NV/WA/ID network may be delayed for one or more billing cycles and may also be billed twice if you call Las Vegas a lot, since you probably won't even notice. Customer must have a mailing address and live in the applicable region. In the event that the conditions of the Plan as described above are violated, Cellular Hell may move subscriber to another state at the subscriber's expense. Toll charge may apply to incoming calls when roaming or when driving over 35 mph.

International long distance rates apply, billed direct from Cellular Hell of Lagos, Nigeria. Additional information available by calling 419 on your Cellular Hell phone at any time to connect with our Secure Confidential Account Management (SCAM) service. Representatives from the Nigeria National Phone Corporation will be standing by. Please have letters of credit and bank statements available for processing of "advance fee."

Credit Approval Fee May Be Required

Wireless service is subject to credit approval and for women, an in-person interview with our manager, Larry "lunchmeat" Liebowitz. A minimum 12-month agreement required, but if you go out for dinner with Larry, then he'll waive that. Prices do not include taxes, directory assistance, roaming, long distance, universal service fees, appetizers, desert or coffee. Customer must give 30 days notice of intent to terminate by contacting us at our unpublished business number or by meeting in person with Larry over drinks at the Kon-Tiki. Final month charges are not prorated and may be doubled at our discretion.

About the author
Sidd Finch is a telecommunications industry reporter. He switches cellular providers once a year or whenever the creditors catch up with him.