The New High-Tech Dictionary 2.0
Fully compatible: Same old features.
Upwardly compatible: Lots of new Bugs.
New and Improved: Totally incompatible.
Beta: Software that isn't quite ready. As in "beta late than never."
Alpha: Software so bad that the beta testers won't even install it.
Release candidate: A software build that occurs just prior to a major holiday. Also, a product manager who has been fired.
In manufacturing: Programmers are still "manufacturing" features.
Shipping: Someone in ZIP code 00001 has received a copy of the software, most likely the brother-in-law of the product manager. Your copy won't arrive for three weeks.
Announced date: The date the product manager was hoping to go on vacation.
On schedule: There's a coupon in the box for the missing pieces.
Open Architecture: We didn't finish half of what's in the spec.
Fully programmable: Just wait 'til you try to debug those macros!
User friendly: Lots of gratuitous bitmaps.
RTFM: A special acronym tech support professionals use to denote customers who deserve extra care and attention, as in "Read the F***ing Manual."
Windows 95: Announced in '93, scheduled for '94, obsolete within six months.
Windows 98: Now with tail fins and chrome bumpers.
Windows NT: Needs time.
Windows XP: Extreme Patience required for upgrade.
Thanksgiving: January 1, 2000.
Windows XP ready: We knew they'd be late.
Windows XP compatible: It's pretty much the same... isn't it?
DOS Mode: Software that lets you reboot before you run it instead of after.
Linux: Technically superior operating system favored by cult leaders everywhere.
Teamwork: Quake deathmatch mode.
Visionary: A CEO who has not yet bankrupted a company.
Chief Technology Officer: In charge of the PowerPoint slide show.
Focus group: Buying drinks for analysts.
Market research: Buying drinks for customers.
Industry insiders: Disgruntled employee after a few too many drinks.
Short term planning: Meeting payroll.
Long term planning: Meeting payroll twice in a row.
Debugger: Any feature that the CEO of the company knows how to demo. As in "Debugger showed it to PC Week!"
Remote Debugger: The company CEO traveling to branch offices.
Press leak: Your company CEO speaking to analysts.
Memory leak: What your company CEO remembers telling the analyst.
Minimum System requirements: The oldest PC you could find in the company's store room.
Ada, Pascal, Perl: Popular names for programmers' children.
Snobol, Rexx, Python, Fortran: Popular names for programmer's pets.
Trade secret: We lost the source code.
Encryption: What documentation writers do to features.
Itanium optimized: Saving your money and buying a Pentium.
Pentium Pro: Someone who works at Intel and sells slower processors for more money.
Industry analyst: Someone who brags about writing reviews of software he's never used.
Industry journalist: Someone who brags about writing reviews of software he doesn't understand.
Mission critical: Multiplayer Quake.
Fault tolerant: Failing to kill your boss when playing multi-player Quake.
Strategic partnership: Two second-rate companies that can't afford to merge.
Fact sheet: A post-partum specification.
Press release: What marketing thought was being built. Often used as the specification for version 2.0.
Whitepaper: Creative fiction by the marketing team.
Java: Java get the feeling of deja vu?
Technical reference: An alphabetical listing of functions the programmer commented.
On-line help: Calling the psychic hotline for technical support.
SDK: A development system without documentation for a platform without customers.
API: Applications Programming Interface. Any function library with more than 200 entry points all of which sound the same.
DirectX: An API for turning a $2000 Pentium machine into a $250 game console.
State of the art: The latest software from Id.
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|Entire contents © Copyright 2002 - 2004 Z. Urlocker. All rights reserved. No kidding.
All contents fictional and satirical.