New: Apple Plugs Leaks

Sidd Finch
Wednesday, December 05, 2007

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Company Shuffles 1st Amendment

(Republic of Cupertino) In its latest action to stem product leaks, Apple Computer has announced a new improved First Amendment which uses exclusive Apple ShuffleRights technology.  "Let's face it, no one really understands these so-called 'First Amendment' rights," said CEO Steve Jobs.  "We think there's a better way than having all these bloggers going out and writing whatever they want."

Apple has proposed that ShuffleRights technology be adopted by the US Supreme Court to prevent unauthorized exploitation of trade secrets, patents, copyrights and local Cupertino office gossip.  "This is really in everyone's best interest," said Apple spokesman Marty "Chip" Borrman.  "If we want someone at ThinkSecret to write a story about Apple, then we'll certainly give them the information they need after they've been through our special blogger training camp.  We don't have free music, so why should we have free speech?"

Apple's ShuffleRights program requires eligible writers between the age of 5 and 75 to register with their local Apple Department of Correctional Blogging. 

About the author
Sidd Finch is a telecommunications industry reporter who has never written about any Apple secrets.