GiGo Predicts New Predictions

Nate Orenstam
Saturday, October 22, 2005

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The New New Economy Report

(Boston, MA) The GiGo Group, a leading high-tech consultancy, has today announced a series of new yet meaningless predictions in its report "The New WebService Economy: Better than the Old New Economy". According to the report, use of WebServices, that is, tying existing computer systems together with new marketing buzzwords, is poised for growth in the coming year. "WebServices could easily double the number of acronyms programmers need to deal with," said Gilbert Gotrope, the company's Chief Executive of the Obvious (CEO).

Other predictions include:
-Microsoft's .NET technology will work best on the Windows platform
-Sun will focus on new Java-based WebServices API for Java 1.1.1.1.1.1
-Computers will become faster
-Hardware prices will continue to fall

However there's a darker side to the predictions:
-Competion in WebServices will increase
-New WebServices may suffer from slow adoption rates
-WebServices companies that lose money may go out of business

The report also predicted that:
-Days become longer
-Nights become shorter
-April showers
-Bring May flowers
-But IPOs will never hurt me

No Shoes, No Shirt, No WebService

Gotrope was excited about the impact of WebServices. "I anticipate a time when we'll be able to connect computers over a vast network from virtually anywhere," he said. "Anyone will be able to tap into WebServices from their home mainframe or teletype machine. You'll get answers in days instead of weeks," Gotrope said. "That is, assuming you can write a little Fortran code to string it all together."

GiGo also reported that 78% of all statistics are made up. As a result, they are re-issuing last year's global middleware report and calling it "WebServices Infrastructure for Users, Losers and Boozers." "It's part of our focus on the Zero-Relevancy Enterprise model," Gotrope said, "since nothing in the report will require anyone to change anything they're already doing. That alone guarantees widespread adoption."

Gotrope was pleased that GiGo is also using the latest new technologies to respond to changes in the industry. "We've sped up the publication process by 100% by using a new so-called "dual carbon" process in the typing pool," Gotrope crowed. "Next year we think we can speed it up even further by using something known as a 'fax machine.' Apparantly, they're very popular in WebServices companies." The report is expected to be available in approximately 9 months, or just after WebServices is considered obsolete.

Meanwhile Cory Spendthrift, leading Internet analyst from UBS Warburg, Dillon, Nash and Young since Tuesday, is a keen supporter of the emerging WebServices industry. "This is a billion dollar indusry in the making. Multi-billions. Hundreds of billions. Trillions actually. Likely to be larger than the entire economy today, certainly by the year 2004," he said while glancing at his watch. "Well that pretty much completes my analysis. I'm off to Lutece for lunch."

About the author
Nate Orenstam is a Java programmer who frequently contributes to industry publications and conferences.