Oracle Teams with Mafia

Nate Orenstam
Friday, January 15, 2010

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Not That They Exist

(Redwood Shores, Sicily) Oracle (Nasdaq: ORCL) today announced a new strategic agreement with US organized crime syndicate the Zamboni family of New York.  "In this tough economic climate, we wanted a partner that would do whatever it takes to be successful," said CEO Larry "the mouth" Ellison.  "Believe me, these guys will do that and more."  The Zamboni family, part of La Cosa Nostra (literally: "that thing you do"), is looking to expand its core business into new high growth areas as it faces a maturing business in narcotics, prostitution and desktop software.

Executives from both companies have high hopes for the partnership.  Oracle Senior VP, Sergio Gigolleto, is keen to improve customer service amidst complaints from Oracle's largest customers.  "We've developed a new customer program that provides guaranteed price protection," Gigoletto said.  "It includes whatever protection the customer needs. And if they don't pay, then they'll really understand what protection is all about."

Earlier this month, Oracle came under pressure from customers and analysts when they announced new contract terms requiring "Named Users" for so-called multiplexing applications.  This change would have required existing customers to pay more for certain applications of the Oracle database.  The announcement caused confusion among Oracle customers who were uncertain as to whether they were in compliance or not when using batch feeds to set up data warehouses.

Platinum Overcoat

Now Oracle appears to be making ammends.  Oracle has announced a new customer care program known as the "Platinum Overcoat."  This program replaces the need for Named Users with a more flexible option of paying based on a Virtual Identity Group, known as the VIG.  The Cosa Nostra has signed on as the exclusive service provider and reseller of the VIG.

"Once they pay the VIG, then they're ok with us," said Tony "the meatball" Provolone, Chief Consigliere of the Zamboni family.  "A contract is a contract, ya know?  If a customer don't like it, they may find themselves with a contract on them, you know what I mean?"

Analysts at the Mega group, who originally encouraged Oracle customers to withhold payment have now come around to Oracle's line of thinking.  "Oh God, please don't hurt me," commented Mega Group analyst Mark Babbo.  "I'm really coming around to Oracle's line of thinking.  Please don't dunk me again."

Wall Street analysts were also supportive of the change.  "Others have tried this approach in the past, but I think Oracle now has the muscle to make it work," said Walter Closet analyst with SG Coward as he was helped by two Cosa Nostra account executives into the trunk of a late model sedan.  "Definitely a strong buy," he said glancing nervously.

Zamboni senior executive Johnn Gotti was unavailable for comment as he is currently serving a life sentence without parole at the federal penitentiary in Marion, Illinois.  Nonetheless, Ellison, who will now be known as the Capo de tutti capi (literally "cup of steaming carp" was enthusiastic as usual.  "This is a perfect blend of our skills," he said.  "Racketeering, extortion, running numbers.... The Cosa Nostra can learn a lot from us."

Oracle Corporation is the world's second largest software company with revenues not quite as high as Microsoft's but their products don't crash as often.  The Cosa Nostra is the world's largest professional services organization with revenues of over $1 billion annually from consulting, training and insurance.  Officially, the Cosa Nostra does not exist.

About the author
Nate Orenstam is a world-class Java programmer. This is a satirical account of the activities of a small group of ruthless sales people. It would be erroneous and unfair to suggest that they are representative of any particular software company. Basically, all sales people operate this way.  This article was originally published in 2003.