MS PR Machine

Nate Orenstam
Monday, April 01, 2002

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Ever wonder how Microsoft is able to maintain such a constant stream of communications from headquarters without actually having an in-house PR staff? We've recently discovered that Microsoft has in fact "eaten its own dog food" and build a software program that completely automates the creation of new press releases. Take a look at what we discovered deep in the basement of Building 10 in Redmond.

Grinding It Out

(Redmond, Wash.) Microsoft today announced the availability of (insert name here) a new (strategic inititiative / patch for Internet Explorer / investigation by the Federal Government ). (Insert name here) is available (as a free download for developers / as an Outlook virus / on the Apple Macintosh since 1995)

(Insert name here) has been of strategic importance to Microsoft ever since ( Bill said so / we found out what they were doing in Building 10 / Apple made a similar announcement) said Microsoft spokesman (insert name here) of the Microsoft ( advanced technology / legal / black ops) group. (Insert name here) was originally developed by (Bill Gates / a couple of summer interns / a company we acquired but never talk about) who wrote it (in Visual Basic one weekend / as a practical joke / and lost the source code).

Developers Benefit from New SDK

The (insert name here) technology includes an (extensive API / expensive hardware upgrade requirement / expansive set of bugs) that supports (open industry standards / Microsoft proprietary exteions / next quarter's revenue goal). Because programmers no longer need to develop (complex infrastructure code / spreadsheets and word processors / for competing operating systems), they can spend more time (on application functionality / rebooting Windows / preparing for assimilation). Also included in the new SDK is (a boatload of undocumented functions / a program that monitors your outgoing email / a Federal Consent Decree).

Microsoft is committed to widespread adoption of (insert name here) by (establishing partnerships with / ripping off ideas from) from leading companies including (select from: Intel / Sony / Apple / SAP / BEA / IBM / Dell / HP ) as well as (those bastards / those evil bastards) at Sun Microsystems.

"We're betting the company on" (insert name here), said Microsoft (Chairman, Chief Software Architect, Head Geek) William H. Gates III. "This is the biggest launch since ( Windows 95 / Microsoft Bob / Paul Allen's new 300-foot yacht)."

Separately, Microsoft announced that Vice President (insert name here), will be leaving the company (for the weekend / for a one year sabbatical / forever) and will be back (first thing Monday morning / never / if Microsoft stock falls below $20). (Insert name here) has decided to (spend more time with family / blow a few million on a mid-life crisis / tell Gates to get stuffed). Commented Gates, "We wish (insert name here) the best. He (has been an invaluable contributor to Windows over the years / did a good job washing my car / was about to fired anyways). I think he never got over the fact that (this market is extremey competitive / we held his family hostage until his product shipped / Steve made him eat real dog food)."

Effective immediately, Steve Ballmer will (take over / fire everyone in the division / move the whole problem under Rick Beluzzo anyways).

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) is (the world's largest software company / the leading cause of rebooting / definitely not a monopoly) and don't you forget it.

About the author
Nate Orenstam is certified Java J2EE programmer.