Santa Ousted

Sidd Finch
Friday, December 25, 2009

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(North Pole, New York) In the latest scandal to rock corporate america, Santa Claus, CEO of Kris Kringle Retail (KKR), has resigned amidst allegations of accounting fraud. New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has accused Santa Claus and auditors Arthur Andersen of bilking investors and tax payers of hundreds of millions of dollars through complex accounting scams. "Santa's been bad this year," Spitzer stated at a well-attended press conference. "Very, very bad."

Kris Kringle Retail, once a hot holiday merchandising operation has suffered a gradual fall from grace since it's peak in the mid 1980s. Claus moved KKR headquarters to Manhattan in 1985 after divorcing his wife Mrs. Claus. The following year, at the age of 68, he married Playboy centerfold Anna Nicole Smith who was then only 26. However, the marriage was over in less than a year. "He said he'd make me happy," Smith recalled, "but I didn't realize batteries weren't included." Few were surprised that the marriage didn't last. "The age difference just wasn't big enough," Smith admitted.

Claus transferred KKR operations offshore in the late 1980s in order to reduce costs. The move was blamed for causing a deterioration in quality standards further tarnishing the Santa Claus brand. In late 1999, Claus tried to capitalize on the dot com boom with the launch of Claus.com. But the company expanded too quickly and burned through a large amount of cash only to find limited appeal for the company's old fashioned wooden toys. Claus.com was eventually shut down and assets were sold at firesale prices. Claus.com was later linked to the Nice & Naughty Network which ran a string of elf porn sites from Kyrgyzstan. Claus denied any involvement, but soon left the US for the Bahamas claiming the move was for health reasons. The company continued to operate but on a more modest scale.

Now with Spitzer's latest allegations, it appears that this could be the final knock down for a once strong brand. "Claus operated KKR as his private empire," Spitzer claimed. "He used his New York tax-exempt charity status to avoid millions in taxes. And while the company lost money on paper, he was paying himself a lavish salary and consulting fees. Besides, He promised me that scooter in 1975 and all I got were socks and underwear."

Smoking Sled?

Spitzer claimed to have evidence that shows Claus was unfair in his distribution of gifts to children. "We have email proof that Arthur Andersen made the list without checking it twice." Spitzer also claimed that Claus was trafficking in counterfeit Pokemon toys originating from China. Spitzer hinted of darker charges agains Claus. "This whole idea of entering houses through the chimney needs to be called into question," Spitzer said. "We are also investigating the corruption of under-age elves and the disappearance of several prominent New York reindeer."

Republicans claim Spitzer's motivations are politically motivated in a bid to generate publicity for a future campaign for the New York Governor's. Rivals claimed he was eliminating Claus, still popular with many New Yorkers, as a potential rival. Spitzer denied the rumors. "I don't need a smear campaign to beat a guy like Claus," he said. "You think a fat man who gives candy to kids to sit on his lap has a chance? That may fly in Washington, but not in New York," Spitzer said. "We're not going to stop until we get to the bottom of this," he added. "Even if we need to pin a tail on the Easter bunny."

About the author
Sidd Finch is a telecommunications industry reporter.  He still believes in Santa Claus, the easter bunny, 3G networks and Nasdaq.