Senegal Kicks France's Balls

Zack Urlocker
Monday, June 10, 2002

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Beats Crap Out Of Former Champions

(Seoul, South Korea) Senegal, a former french colony thought to be located in West Africa or perhaps Asia, beat reigning champion France in the opening match of the FIFA World Cup 2002 soccer championship. For the Senegal Lions, competing for the first time in the World Cup, the 1-0 victory was stunning. "We are but a small country, so it is even more significant that we kicked their balls," said Papa Bouba "Bebop" Diop, who scored the winning goal thirty minutes into the game. "This is payback for all that rich French food they made us eat," said Senegal President Abdoulaye Wade . "It has made the French soft and lazy. Now we beat them at their own game." With the victory, President Wade declared a national holiday. "Everyone is watching TV anyways," he said. "I did not want to be the only one working."

Singing "Les Bleus"

France's star player, Zinedine Zidane was unable to play in the opening match having been sidelined due to deficiency of foie gras and red wine. The team has flown in an emergency supply of Bordeaux and truffles in preparation for games against Uruguay and Denmark. "Of course, we can beat Denmark," Zidane said. "We have two hour lunch breaks, whereas they eat nothing but herring." While France lost the opening game, they remain undefeated in at least one area. "While the Senegal team is playing, we make love with all the players' wives," said French coach Roger La Merde.

Ironically, 21 of Senegal's 23 players play soccer in France. Commented La Merde, "So you see, it really is a victory for France. We conquered Senegal as a colony and then left. Now they come to us. So perhaps it is more important for them to win," he said with a shrug. France is expected to have a second World Cup victory within the next hundred years. "It is simply a matter of time," said La Merde.

Meanwhile a new socialist-led French coalition is pressuring the FIFA organizing committee to restrict the number of hours players can practice. "Why should the rest of the world be better than us, just because they practice more?" asked spokesman Jean Claude Maudit. "It is not fair for us, we who have so much time on our hands to sit around and drink coffee. Why should we be penalized?"

In the US, reaction to World Cup fever has been muted. Team USA's "Be an Athletic Supporter" campaign has failed to attract new fans to the sport with only four people showing up to the team's last practice match. "And they were selling beer," said a disappointed coach Bruce "Half Empty" Arena. Nonetheless, Arena remained optimistic. "What the US lacks in talent, we make up for in apathy. Now that Iran is out of the contest, I think we can finish better than last place," he said. Commented ABC sports announcer and former NFL coach John Madden, "Senegal? I've heard of him. Is he the quarterback from that new expansion team?"

About the author
Zack Urlocker is a Silicon Valley software executive and an athletic supporter of the San Jose Earthquakes.