Iraqi Troops Surrender

Nate Orenstam
Sunday, March 23, 2003

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Operation Shake, Rattle & Roll

(Umm Qasr, Iraq) In the southern port city of Umm Qasr, over 6,000 Iraqi troops have surrendered to US and British forces.  Members of the Iraqi Twenty First Division Third Battalion of Sheep Herders, Chicken Company had been lined up for the last five days waiting to surrender.  Iraqi troops had been observed practicing aggressive surrender maneuvers for several weeks, waiving down passing journalists, Red Cross officials and wandering goats all to no avail.  Finally, when US troops were within several miles of Umm Qasr, Iraqis threw down their assault sticks and waived white flags shouting "Wassup?" and "Sit on it."  The Iraqi commanding officer Captain Al-Bundy Kamel Hanjob announced "We want what the same things Americans want: freedom, liberty, and cheeseburgers," he said.  "Oh yes and we hear good things about reality TV." 

US officials were not surprised by the surrender and, in fact, had been expecting it.  Several Iraqi soldiers crossed the front line and entered a British camp before the war started, hinting at widespread desertion.  The Iraqis in question snuck into British military camp McJagger and tried to blend in during a Monday evening social.  However, they were quickly identified as Iraqi troops when they complained about the warm beer and runny cheese.  "Mustn't grumble," said British Lieutenant Captain George Michael "Pip" Sainsbury-Pasty.  "That's the first thing we teach our boys over here."

The Iraqis were given British surrender forms to be completed in triplicate after war was officially declared.  British troops also gave them autographed pictures of Elizabeth Hurley to take back with them as well as cans of Spam. "Honestly, we get enough Spam back home, thank you very much, and we were hoping for something that would go well with a nice dry white wine," said Sainsbury-Pasty.  "Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

Since the war officially began, there has been a steady increase in the number of Iraqi troops surrendering, culminating in over 6,000 surrendering at US Camp Van Halen on Friday evening.  "We were holding our regular 'Nacho Night' and we ran out of chips and dip around 21 hundred hours," said Captain Bud "Mustang" Hawk. "We began tactical operations to restock the deli trays and realized that we were surrounded by enemy forces.  Luckily, we had a good supply of light beer which we rapidly deployed and contained the threat."  By the end of the evening US and Iraqi soldiers were arm in arm singing "Louie Louie" and dancing the twist.

Iraqi Idol

Iraqi troops had only basic english language skills but were very familiar with 1950s music and dance.  Iraqi television Al-Jazeera has been broadcasting reruns of "Happy Days" on Abdul at Night in an effort to demonstrate the depravity of life in the United States.  Unfortunately, the broadcast has had the unintended effect of catalyzing many Iraqi citizens into organizing underground sock hops to protest the brutality of the Sadam Hussein's Ba'athist regime.  Officials at Al-Jazeera refused to comment on the situation and issued only a terse statement that they were "pleased with the increase in advertising revenues in the first quarter."  Iraqi officials have hinted at a devastating new force that may be unleashed in the coming weeks.  However, they would neither confirm nor deny reports that they had engaged UK record executive Simon Cowell from the CBS hit show "American Idol" for a new prime time television show.  "That man is a genius, a cruel genius," said Al-Jazeera program director Ahmed Fa'at Tuchas.

About the author
Nate Orenstam is among the world's best programmers and a conscientious objector in the battle between Java and .Net.