Still Can't Get Out Of Bed
(Orlando, FLA) Analysts in town for the CTIA Wireless 2004 conference have confirmed that the once healthy telecomunications industry is seriously depressed. Dr. Buzz Dialtone discussed the situation on a panel entitled "Outlook for 2004: Not as bad as 2003. Maybe." Dialtone diagnosed the industry situation as typical of PCS (Post Crash Syndrome). "Lets face it," he said, "the telecommunications industry hasn't worked since April 2000. And by some reports it was barely working since deregulation with the Telecommunications Act of 1996. If you hadn't been working since then, you'd be depressed too." Dialtone's prognosis for the telecommunications industry is not good. "I've prescribed a heavy dose of anti-depressants, but these things take time." Still Dialtone was optimistic about Cisco's new "Buy 1 get 10 free" router campaign as well as the industry's new "Routers for Kids" program which will donate telecommunications equipment for use in playgrounds across the America. "We're also looking at new creative deployments for used equipment to help with the proposed Landfill Restoration program," he said.
When reached at home, the telecommunications industry commented: "I'm just so down. I barely make it out of bed some mornings. I turn on SquawkBox and its all I can take. Nothing but bad news. When will it end? My doctor said I'm depressed, but I don't really feel anything anymore."
According to recent reports, the telecommunications industry is just "hanging out" with the dot com industry. "It used to be so much fun buying software from these guys and they'd buy all kinds of equipment. Now we're all just lounging around at Starbucks during the day. I'd like to say we're networking, but the reality is we're barely plugged in anymore." As depressed as the telecommunications industry is, it remains less volatile than other sectors. "At least I'm not schizophrenic like the semiconductor industry. One day its up, the next its down. How do you deal with that?"
Analysts Remain Upbeat
With the latest in announcements from Nokia ("Nokia lowers first quarter forecast"), Lucent ("Lucent misses quarter, raises garage sale expectations ") and Motorola ("What do you mean strategy?"), shares in all three companies have dragged down the CS First Backbacon Telecommunications Index by 14.3% (Subject to one year annual commitment. Does not include taxes, fees and preferred customer surcharge. Not all services available in all regions. Some of the services available in none of the regions. Closed Mondays. See new wireless rate plan for additional obfuscation.)
Tony "Fatman" Stugots of Sands Brothers Securities and Discount Carwash upgraded Lucent (Nasdaq: LUSE) from "Bada Bing" to "Bada Boom." Commented Tony, "If we say, buy, then you buy, you got that? I put you down for 10,000 shares, and don't ask no more questions."
Cory Spendthrift of CIBC Wisenheimer reiterated his coverage of Lucent as "Buy for Someone Else" while downgrading Nokia (NYSE: NOK NOK) from "Outperform" to "Out to lunch." Commented Spendthrift, via cellphone from the Zanzibar lounge at the Sheraton Safari Resort, "If you look at the latest announcements being made at CTIA, I think there's still a lot of great technology coming out that can jumpstart revenues. RIM's got their new combination of email, pager, garage door opener and personal massage. Palm's announced their new DucTape technology for integrating third party add-ons. And Motorola has just announced new disposable portable phone that runs for up to 3 minutes. I may even head over to the show this afternoon, maybe after a few laps at the pool. Hello? Are you still there? I think the battery is..."
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