Viva Brazil!

Zack Urlocker
Sunday, June 30, 2002

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France Blames UN

(Yokohama, Japan) In a climactic final match at Yoko Ono stadium in Japan, Brazil made a decisive 2-0 victory over Germany thereby securing its place in the annals of World Cup history. Brazil is the only nation to have won the tournament five times and on three continents. Forward "Ronaldo" Ronaldo scored both goals in the game, redeeming his position as a national hero after the devastating loss to France in 1998. "This time, I decided to do my partying after the final match. I thank my physician and God for this advice," Ronaldo said. "Besides, the bars were all closed by 4:00 am. Next time, we party at World Cup Antarctica!"

Ronaldo was carried off the field on the shoulders of team mates shortly after being congratulated by fellow Brazilian soccer legend Pele. "I would have liked to have gotten his autograph, but they wouldn't let me down." Ronaldo was carried several miles from the stadium before being let go. "At least they let me off at a subway station," Ronaldo said. "Last time in France, I woke up in a dumpster."

Ronaldo scored a total of 8 goals during the finals earning the Adidas Golden Shoe Award for goofiest haircut. "Next time, I will shave the Adidas logo on my head," he said. "That should be worth at least half a million extra."

Boys from Brazil

The game showed that both teams were well matched in talent, control and acting ability. "Next time I get injured, I hope to win an Oscar," commented Ronaldo, clutching his knees in mock pain.

Oliver "Genghis" Kahn, Germany's prized goalkeeper and team captain successfully stopped three shots on goal in the first half of the game, showing the level of perfection in his playing that kept Germany in the game. Unfortunately, the second half of the match told a different story. Kahn failed to hold onto a hard, low strike from Brazil forward Rivaldo Vitor Borba Ferreira Victor Samuel Rudolf Roto Roberto Ronaldinho Ronzini, letting the ball fall under striker Ronaldo's control. Ronaldo then charged with shot to the uncovered net scoring the first goal 68 minutes into the game. Ronaldo's second goal, a solid shot to the lower right corner of the net, came ten minutes later and it was all over but the shouting.

"There's no blaming Ollie," German coach Ruddy Volkswagen said. "He played as well as expected given his inferior genetics. However, we are holding his family. For their protection, you understand." Vokswagen was visibly disappointed in the outcome. "I am sad for Germany to lose today. Especially to lose to a team where the players are barely able to dress themselves." Despite today's loss, Kahn was awarded the Yashin Award for goalkeeper most likely to change careers. Kahn was unavailable for comment, reportedly going into hiding.

Although this was the first World Cup match between Germany and Brazil, many players from Brazil play in the New Aryan Soccer International (NASI) league which includes Germany, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay and Uruguay. German fans and players alike were unrepentant. German defender Christoph "The Butcher" Mendoza captured the spirit. "Vait until 2006," he said. "Ve vill show ze vorld a new Germany!"

Third place contest: South Korea vs. Who?

As a result of the defeat to Brazil, Germany came in second in FIFA World Cup 2002 and either South Korea or Turkey came in third place in Saturday's match. Unfortunately, no one outside of those countries even took notice of the third place game. "Isn't the British Open on soon?" asked Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

Meanwhile, France officially blamed the United Nations for their early defeat. "They should never have recognized Senegal as an independent country," said coach Roger La Merde.

About the author
Zack Urlocker is a Silicon Valley software executive who watches World Cup soccer matches without the benefit of alcohol.