Microsoft To Release Code

Nate Orenstam
Saturday, March 19, 2005

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Judge Sick and Tired Of Rebooting

(Washington, DC) US District Judge Colleen "the collar" Kotelly has ordered Microsoft to turn over source code to Windows XP and XP embedded to a separate committee including representatives from nine litigating states and a boys computer club in Nebraska. 

"After four years of having to reboot Windows every day, I'm just sick and tired of it all," said Kotelly. "I tried upgrading to Windows XP and now I can't even start the darn thing anymore."  The judge reportedly called Microsoft technical support to get help in activating Windows XP on her machine but ended up on hold for 3 days.  "Doesn't anyone answer the bloody phone anymore?" she asked.

Kotelly has demanded that Microsoft turn over the source code for Windows XP in order to have a complete reinstallation on her machine.  "This time I don't want any excuses.  No blue screen of death.  I just need to get access to those photoshop files on my machine."  When asked about the files the judge blushed and said "None of your damn business, buster."

Microsoft Windows engineers claim they are happy to help.  According to engineer Stan Singoffkey "Frankly, we never really understood what was going on at the XP device driver level.  And Steve wouldn't let us hire anyone who knew how to debug the code.  He said he just wanted us to add more new features.  That's all he'd ever talk about.  Then he'd laugh maniacally and rock back and forth just like Bill used to."

Judge Kotelly has chartered the group with building what is to be called the Windows Almost New Kernel, or WANK.  "We think we can have a good clean WANK by next quarter if everything goes well," said the judge. 

Microsoft executives have cautioned that releasing the source code could have detrimental effects on the US economy.  Spokesman Bill "Duke" Nukem stated "If this should fall into the hands of the Taliban, who knows what could happen.  I'm not saying that Judge Kotelly is in league with international terrorists, but let's just say I wouldn't want to go through airline security with her.  Who knows what kind of files she's got on her hard disk."

However, its still too early to determine the impact of Kotelly's decision on Microsoft and the market in general.  Wall Street analyst Mary Meager from Morgan Studley Dumb Waiter was cautious: "If this dog don't bark, then the cat's out of the bag, and I'm a monkey's uncle.  I rate Microsoft a solid 'Perform or not,'" she said.  "It's at the middle end of the risk spectrum in a new flight to quality.  But if the quantity gets too low, you should definitely look into things.  Whoops, I gotta go, the lawyers are here."

Separately, Sun CEO Scott McNealy, in a significant departure from strategy did not make any anti-Microsoft announcements.  A spokesman for the company said the CEO went home early today.  "I think he's getting a cold."

About the author
Nate Orenstam is a world-class Java programmer and consultant.  He reboots regularly after every meal.